The term “Captain Save a Hoe” is, according to Urban Dictionary, derived from the title of a 1993 song by West Coast rapper E-40. It refers to a fool who imagines he can rescue bad women from their unfortunate destiny. It came to mind when I saw this New York Post story:
Annie Wright, 21, drafted a 17-page relationship contract after dating her now-boyfriend for only two weeks. . . .
Wright’s contract to her boyfriend Michael Head, 23, was just as extensive.
The contract came with four main objectives: honesty, communication, awareness of partner’s needs and clarity and alignment in their intentions.
“I made the idea as a joke, then he said, ‘No, seriously. We can do that and talk about it,’ ” Wright, an Atlanta, Georgia, native, told Kennedy News.
The couple met last October on Tinder after Wright left a toxic relationship, and she was determined to make this relationship with Head, a law student, work out.
“At the time, I had braces in college, and I was very embarrassed,” said Wright. “It was also pandemic time. But I got to the point where I was like ‘screw it — I’m going on dates with guys and don’t care anymore.’ I matched with almost anybody on Tinder and would tell my matches, ‘I’m going on a walk with my dog at 2 p.m. today — are you free?’ It was a fluke that I met him. I was going on three Tinder dates a week to go out there and meet people.”
Thankfully when Wright met Head they instantly clicked. “He was like, ‘I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend,’ ” Wright said. “In order to be ready for that, we had to lay some serious ground rules.”
Notice who is dictating rules to whom.
Although she is only 21, Annie Wright already has one “toxic relationship” behind her, and whose fault is that? It’s not Michael Head’s fault, and yet because of the damage Annie sustained, Michael is going to be required to pay the price — follow her rules, or else.
Wouldn’t it seem to be a bad idea to allow someone with a demonstrated history of bad judgment to dictate rules to others? However much we may sympathize with people who get themselves into “toxic relationships,” is it not true that it takes two to tango? Your ex-boyfriend was a dangerous psychopath? Sorry to hear it, but don’t you owe us an explanation for why you find dangerous psychopaths attractive?
It’s like guys moaning about what an evil bitch their ex-wife is. Well, maybe she is an evil bitch, but who married her, huh? Not all women are evil bitches and yet you married one, a failure that reflects poorly on your judgment. You must accept responsibility for your own failure, and stop playing the victim as if you had no choice in the matter.
I actually went to school with a guy who murdered his ex-wife, in such a heinous manner that he was sentenced to Death Row. This is where such a dysfunctional thought pattern leads: Making your own blamelessness the basis of a relationship — whatever is wrong, it’s never your fault — leads inevitably to making your partner a scapegoat, who must bear the blame for everything that makes you unhappy. Someone who is never willing to say, “It’s my fault,” will always seek out scapegoats.
What is the most common problem of “toxic relationships”? One partner seeks to control and dominate the other. This is the story of every bad teenage relationship — the boyfriend who wants to tell his girlfriend what she is allowed to wear, who she is allowed to talk to, etc. The jealous, controlling boyfriend is always “checking up” on her, and woe be unto her if she’s not where he thinks she is “supposed” to be, at the time he expects her to be there. It’s basically the O.J. Simpson/Nicole dynamic, and we know how that story ends. Why in the world would any woman put up with such abusive treatment? And yet so many do.
One may congratulate Annie Wright for escaping her “toxic relationship” without believing she is now qualified to dictate the terms of her next relationship, and certainly no one should envy Michael Head for being the unfortunate guinea pig in this experiment — which is not really experimental, because we know it will end badly for him.
Rollo Tomassi’s response to the New York Post article was terse: “Women break rules for Alphas and make rules for Betas.” In other words, Annie Wright has decided she wants a weak, compliant partner — at least temporarily, until she gets another chance at a swaggering Alpha male, like the ex-boyfriend whose dominating nature appealed to her masochistic tendencies. Michael Head is the simp who will let her dictate the rules, in the erroneous belief that he is earning Annie’s long-term loyalty. Exactly how long his delusion continues is up to her; he has surrendered the initiative, and the clock is ticking toward the moment when she tosses him aside like a used Kleenex.
Give it another six months or so, I’d say. Generally speaking, 18 months is the limit with a girl like Annie, and they’ve already been together for nearly a year. But it’s possible that Michael will wise up to the game before she kicks him to the curb. “Why have I got to put up with this?” he’ll ask himself, when Annie throws a tantrum over some minor infraction of the rules she has dictated. You got to figure Annie’s a tightly-wound bundle of neuroses, probably gobbling Prozac or Zoloft just to be able to cope from day to day, and sooner or later she’ll spiral down into a vortex of craziness that not even a Beta wimp will be able to tolerate.
Anyway, this relationship is doomed, and it’s just a matter of time. By the way, did you recognize the quote in the headline?
Yes, it’s J.E.B. Stuart, speaking of his father-in-law’s decision to side with the Union in the Civil War. Stuart made good his boast; his father-in-law, appointed to command a Union cavalry division, was humiliated in 1862 when Stuart led his Confederate cavalry on a raid in which they rode completely around the Union army. After that famous exploit, Stuart’s father-in-law was relegated to a bdesk job in Washington.
Who else is going to start a blog post quoting a West Coast rapper and end it by telling you about a Confederate cavalry raid? But the Stuart quote seemed apt to describe the fate of Michael Head (and any other young man foolish enough to play the role of Captain Save a Hoe): “He will regret it only once, and that will be continually.”